The essential thing is to relinquish our attachments, our stickiness. This can take a very long time.
Sex is violence when it wants something, when it issues from insufficiency or pain.
Some men use sex as a way to assuage feelings of loneliness, to anesthetize jealousy, or to stake a claim. When sex is used like this, as a means of ameliorating our least controlled emotions, of placating an unstable and insecure sense of self, of seeking forgiveness or fixing something, sex is violence.
Sex is violent when sex is repetitive, mechanical or forced. There is no dharma in pharma.